1:50 a.m. Wednesday, September 5, 2007
I was awakened by severe chest pain and a shortness of breath. I got up, walked around a little and drank some water hoping it would go away. This had happened to me twice before in the previous 10 days and both times the pain had subsided. But this time it just got worse. So, I took the logical next step... I went downstairs and Googled "Heart Attack" to get a list of the symptoms.
Yep...
Yep, got that...
Yep...I got that, too
I finally decided that I needed to wake Carol up and let her know what was going on. After 23 years of marriage she knows that I use a certain tone of voice if I'm concerned about something and do not want to alarm her. She woke up immediately and wanted to know if we should call nine-one-one.
Now, on the surface this is a really simple question -- I was experiencing severe chest pain, shortness of breath and was a little light headed -- but then the defective "male chromosome kicked in." If I call nine-one-one, everyone in the neighborhood will want to know what's going on and if it's not a heart attack I'm going to feel pretty stupid. But, if I don't call, and it is a heart attack, I'm going to feel stupid ...and be dead. Now, to demonstrate how defective the Y chromosome really is, I actually took the time to think about these two options. Then I realized how mad Carol and the kids would be over option two, so we called nine-one-one. The compromise was that we asked them not to run the siren.
Not wanting to be dragged into ER wearing only my boxers and t-shirt, I got dressed, grabbed my watch and wallet and went out front to sit in one of our yard chairs until the squad arrived.
The squad arrived in about two minutes and we went through the drill with them. I climbed into the ambulance, got wired up, and played that great fun game, let’s find a vein. After an initial assessment it was recommended that I go to the hospital and have some more tests.
On the way to the hospital I looked up and saw the clock in the back of the ambulance wasn’t working. When I mentioned it to the paramedic, he replied, “…Don’t worry, the rest of our equipment works pretty well, most of the time.”
We arrived at the ER and were immediately taken into an exam room where they began a series of tests. After a while they asked if I wanted something for the pain. I said that would be nice, then I heard the “D” word: Delodid. Now, I’m a pretty large guy and when you figure out doses based on body mass, I wind up with a lot of whatever medication it might be. But as soon as I heard Delodid I made an effort to tell the nurse that I’m pretty sensitive to drugs and I’d like a very small dose…yeah like she’s going to follow my lead on this.
The next several hours were a blur, but some highlights include nausea, being poked, prodded and violated by a number of cold steel items, being asked my name and birthday about 200 times and a Cat Scan.
About 6:00 am the physician walked in and said that they had ruled out any heart problems: great news. Then she mentioned that during the Cat Scan of my chest they saw a “mass” in my abdomen that should be examined. So I was admitted for more poking, prodding and violation.
[ED: While my approach in sharing this is experience is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, I do want to stop and say that the hospital staff has been uniformly wonderful, attentive and proactive in communicating about what’s going on. I could not have asked for a better facility or staff under any circumstance.]
a thought occured to me that the local drug dealers on the Hill might have a genuine interest in the dual lumen port. I was thinking of ways to create income for some of our families and have just realized my prayers have been answered. Diana and I are placing an order for several hundred dual port lumens and will be selling them on the street. Think of it!! No more dirty needles to worry about, no more bruised forearms to tip off the police of recent drug injections, no more strapping the arm with a turniquet to raise a vain- the Lorms dual port implant will allow intake of all your drugs of choice with no pain or physical suffering. And- it is MAINLINE ALL THE WAY BABY!!!! See y'all tonight
Posted by: robin lorms | September 16, 2007 at 04:25 PM